The Fellowship of the Cell Phones
by Tirlalaith FantasyComedian
Summary: Revised version of the whole movie taken into a comical parody filled with hobbitish clumsiness, wizard foolery, man-like lunancy and every funny aspect one could expect. Join us as the fellowship journeys through Internet-Earth to destroy the OneCellPhn


Disclaimer: All characters are the creations of Tolkien, and any misrepresentation of those characters is here made solely for laughs. All credit is given to J.R.R. Tolkien, whom I hail as one of the greatest writers of all time.

The Lord of the Cell Phones

The Fellowship of the Cell Phone~ Christian Clingman [Comedy]

(This comedy begins with Galadriel narrating this story.)

Galadriel: It began with the forging of the great cell phones. Three were given to the elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords; great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine were given to the race of men; who above all else desired power. For it was within these cell phones that it was given to dominate all life. But they were all deceived, for another cell phone was made. In the lands of Verizon, and on the slopes of Mega Wal-Mart the dark lord Sauron forged himself a master cell phone. And into this cell phone he poured his cruelty and his malice and his will to dominate all life. ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL! One by one, the free peoples of Internet-Earth fell under the power of the great cell phone. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves was made and in the parking lot of the Mega Wal-Mart, they fought for the freedom of Internet-Earth.

(Orcs are yelling and screaming. Lines of men fire their bows as they take down many orcs that are on top hills. Many lines of orcs rush at the lines of elves. The elves stand firm.)

Elrond: Hold up your lines! Le muer de vunderval! Dum yate!

(Elf archers shoot between the front lines and kill many orcs. Then the orcs crash into the line of elves. Everybody is fighting.)

Galadriel: Victory was near!

(Elves and men see the Dark Lord Sauron advancing towards them.)

Galadriel: But the power of the cell phone, could not be undone.

(Elves and men see the Dark Lord Sauron's cell phone sticking out of his pocket. He then starts killing men and elves with his mace. After a little while, Elendil advances towards Sauron and he gets hit in the head by his mace. Isulder goes up to his father.)

Isulder: Are you all right, father?

(Elendil goes cross-eyed and his tongue rolls out. Isulder then weeps.)

Galadriel: Just when all hope had faded, Isulder son of the king took up his father's lightsaber.

(Isulder grabs the lightsaber but Sauron steps on the handle where the crystal is and crushes it. Isulder then takes out some laser pistols and shoots Sauron's left pocket that holds the cell phone. Sauron then starts to feel weak and he explodes. His helmet then falls.)

Galadriel: Sauron, the master of the free peoples of Internet-Earth, was defeated.

(Isulder grabs the cell phone.)

Galadriel: And now Isulder had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted.

(Isulder's men get ambushed while Isulder gets knocked off his horse. Isulder then gets away from the skirmish and presses dial on Sauron's cell phone. He then disappears and he goes into the water. Sauron's cell phone runs out of minutes and he reappears and the orcs shoot him with arrows.)

Galadriel: It betrayed Isulder, to his death. And the cell phone was not seen for two and a half thousand years. Until the cell phone enslaved a new bearer.

Gollum: My precious!

Galadriel: The cell phone, came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him.

(Gollum is whispering to himself over the cell phone. He then thinks he hears something but after a little while continues loving what he has in his hands.)

Galadriel: The ring was precious in Gollum's sight. Which for five hundred years it poisoned his mind. Darkness crept back into the shadows, whispers came of a nameless fear. Then the cell phone then wanted to go to it's master. It's time had now come.

(Sauron's cell phone goes down a rocky slope without scratching itself.)

Galadriel: It abandoned Gollum. But certain fate came, which the cell phone did not intend. It was found by the most unlikeliest creature.

Bilbo: What's this?

(Bilbo looks at Sauron's cell phone.)

Galadriel: A hobbit. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.

(Bilbo smiles.)

Bilbo: A cell phone.

(Gollum cries out…)

Gollum: It's lost! My own good precious is lost!

Galadriel: And that was when the lives of hobbits, would turn the fate of all.

(The title of "The Fellowship of the Cell Phone" appears. Frodo is leaning against a tree and is reading a book. He hears a familiar voice down the hill. He starts running down the hill. The voice comes from Gandalf who is in wagon pulling a trailer with no roof on top.)

Gandalf singing: The road goes ever on and on. Down from the gates where it began. I think I'm getting Bilbo's song wrong. And I will sing it if I can. Pursuing the lines with eager feet. La, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

(Frodo then comes to the edge of the road that Gandalf is riding on.)

Frodo: You're late.

(Gandalf stops singing and looks up slowly at Frodo.)

Gandalf: A wizard is never late Frodo Flea-Bitten Pants. Nor is he early. He arrives la…precisely as he means to.

(Frodo and Gandalf stare hard at each other until neither one can't help laughing.)

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you Gandalf!

(Frodo jumps into the wagon and on top of Gandalf. Gandalf grunts from the pain but smiles at Frodo. The two then stay in the wagon and head for Hobbiton.)

Gandalf: You don't think I'd miss your Uncle Bilbo's funeral?

Frodo: Funeral?

Gandalf: What? He's not dead?

Frodo: No.

Gandalf mumbles: That's bad.

Frodo: Why? I thought Bilbo had invited you.

Gandalf: He did.

Frodo: Then what are you complaining about?

Gandalf: I'm sad that he's not dead because then I can't have Bag End for myself and that mithril coat of his.

(Frodo rolls his eyes.)

Frodo: Gandalf you're forgetting something. I'm the one that's going to get Bag End if Bilbo dies; not you. And that mithril coat is too small for you.

(Gandalf grumbles.)

Frodo: Besides, I thought you liked Uncle Bilbo.

Gandalf: I do like him. Besides he's not my uncle.

Frodo: I never said he was your uncle.

Gandalf: Oh yes you did.

Frodo: When?

Gandalf: When you said that I liked Uncle Bilbo, even though he's not my uncle!

(Frodo sighs and rolls his eyes.)

Frodo: Tell me about the world. Tell me everything.

Gandalf: Everything? Most unnatural for a hobbit. Well what can I tell you…

Frodo interrupts: Everything.

Gandalf: The world goes on as it is. Scarcely a whisper anywhere about hobbits; which I am very thankful.

Frodo: That's not good! We hobbits won't be famous then.

Gandalf: I thought you hobbits were peaceful folk.

Frodo: We are. But once and a while we want to be famous.

Gandalf: Oh really?

(Gandalf then notices hobbits setting up Bilbo's birthday party.)

Gandalf: Ohhh! The long expected party!

(The hobbits lift up a banner wishing Bilbo a happy birthday but it comes back down on top of them. Most of them don't get hurt.)

Gandalf: I wonder why Bilbo doesn't set up his birthday party himself.

Frodo: You know Gandalf. Bilbo is 111 years old. He couldn't lift a twig.

Gandalf: Oh really?

Frodo: All right then keep your secrets. (*Gandalf laughs*) Before you came along we Bagginses were very well thought of.

Gandalf: Indeed.

Frodo: Didn't have any credit or debit cards and didn't have anything to do with the economy.

Gandalf: If you're referring to the affair of The Lonely Mountain Mall, I was barely involved. All I did was hand your uncle a credit card at the door.

Frodo: Whatever you've done, you've been officially labeled a disturber of the peace.

Gandalf: Oh really?

Frodo: Yes.

(Gandalf's eyes widen in horror.)

Gandalf: How much is the reward?

Frodo: 10 barrels of LongBottom leaf.

(Gandalf gulps.)

Frodo: And do you know what they're planning to do with you when they catch you?

(Gandalf shakes his head in fear.)

Frodo: They're going to put you in the stocks at Michael Delving.

Gandalf: Oh really?

Frodo: Would you stop asking me that two word phrase, "Oh really"?

Gandalf: Nope.

(Frodo sighs.)

(Hobbit children start running down from their homes shouting out to Gandalf. When they reach the rode they ask from Gandalf…)

Hobbit Children: Dynamite, Gandalf! Dynamite, Gandalf!

(Gandalf continues on while Frodo looks at Gandalf to see if he will do it. Dynamite explode from Gandalf's trailer and blacken the Sackville-Bagginess's hair. For they were watching Gandalf near the road with begrime faces. The hobbit children who were pretty far away from it start shouting or screaming in delight. Gandalf laughs while Proud Foot laughs too; not even noticing that his wife has black powder from the explosion of Gandalf's dynamite.)

Frodo: Gandalf? I'm glad your back.

(Frodo jumps off the cart and starts rolling down the slope of the hill.)

Gandalf shouts out: So am I dear boy. So am I.

(Gandalf rides up to Bilbo's house and gets off his wagon and taps his stick on the door. No answer. He then taps again. No answer. Gandalf gets frustrated and whacks his staff against the door. It goes slightly through the door and Gandalf tries to pull it out but can't. Gandalf hears Bilbo's voice and continues pulling his staff.)

Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want any salesmen, fortune-tellers, hippies, trick or treaters, Sackville what-nots, and distant relations.

Gandalf: And what about helping me getting out this staff!

(Bilbo hears the familiar voice and opens the door suddenly which pulls Gandalf forward. Gandalf hits his head above Bilbo's door and falls backwards.)

Bilbo: Gandalf?

Gandalf grunting: Bilbo Baggins. Where have you been! I was trying to get out my staff from your door!

Bilbo: Get your staff from my door? That would be impossible for your staff to go through my door for it is iron-wood from the outside and steel from the inside.

(Gandalf gets up and wrenches his staff from Bilbo's door and enters Bilbo's abode with grumbling. Bilbo takes his staff from his hand and his conical hat.)

Bilbo: Welcome! Welcome! Ohh. Tea? Or perhaps something a little stronger? I know. I've got some cans of Budweiser, Buddumber, Budstupid, and Budmagic from the old Beer factory. 1296. Very good year. Almost as old as I' am!

(Bilbo goes down a hall laughing.)

Bilbo: It was laid down by my father. Why don't we open some aye?

Gandalf: Just soda, thank you!

(Gandalf bumps into a chandelier and turns around and bumps his head against the wall and whines. (He then goes down a different hall into Bilbo's study. Bilbo goes back and forth muttering to himself. Gandalf sees a Wal-Mart advertisement on one of Bilbo's tables. Gandalf then goes away just when Bilbo comes in.)

Bilbo: I can make you some Twinkies if you like…. Gandalf?

(Gandalf then appears in the Dining Room behind Bilbo.)

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you!

Bilbo: But I thought you wanted soda?

Gandalf: Of course.

Bilbo: So?

Gandalf: So I want tea and soda mixed together!

(Bilbo rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue in disgust. Bilbo starts eating some bread.)

Bilbo: All right! (*muffled with food*) You don't mind if I eat do you?

Gandalf: Oh no. Not at all.

(Bilbo hears banging on his front door. Bilbo coughs and leans against the wall.)

Mrs. Sackville-Baggins: Bob Cratchet! I know your there! Don't pretend your not there!

(Bilbo looks at Gandalf.)

Bilbo whispering to Gandalf: I'm not Bob Cratchet!

(Mrs. Sackville-Baggins eventually goes away, thinking that Bilbo is not there. Bilbo looks through a window to make sure she is going away and comes back into the dining room.)

Bilbo: I must get away from these confounded relatives that are hanging on the bell! They don't give me a moment peace! I want to see Wal-Mart again Gandalf!

Gandalf mumbles: Well then go to Wal-Mart. It's just ¼ of a mile away.

Bilbo: Wal-Mart Gandalf! And then sit somewhere quiet where I can finish my book. Ohh tea!

(Bilbo goes over to the fireplace and picks up the kettle and puts some tea into a small tea pot.)

Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.

(Bilbo's eyes widen.)

Bilbo: He does?

(Gandalf nods. Bilbo remains hypnotized for a while and then remembers the tea.)

Bilbo: Well of course he does. He's a Baggins! Not some cube-headed buttress belt from Google Web!

Gandalf: You will tell him?

Bilbo: Yes! Yes, Yes, Yes.

Gandalf: He's very fond of you.

Bilbo: I didn't know. I would have asked him to come with me to Smaug's Mall if I could. But I know that in Frodo's heart he is still in love with the Sherwood forest; the rocks and the trees. I'm old Gandalf.

Gandalf mumbles: I know; for 111 years old.

Bilbo: I just keep feeling it.

(Gandalf stares at Bilbo's pocket that his hand is pinching.)

Bilbo: I feel…thin. Like mayonnaise spread over too much hot dog. I need a holiday; a really long holiday.

Gandalf: Like how long?

Bilbo: Until the end of my days.

(Gandalf rolls his eyes.)

Bilbo: And I don't think I'll return. In fact I mean not to.

Gandalf speaks sarcastically: Maybe you need a retirement plan.

(An hour later, Bilbo & Gandalf are smoking from pipes at the front door of Bag End and looking at the preparation of Bilbo's birthday party.)

Bilbo contendedly: Copenhagen. The finest tobacco in the South Farthing.

Gandalf: Really?

Bilbo: Of course. I got it from Smaug's Mall…

Gandalf: But I thought you told me it came from the South Farthing?

Bilbo: Of course.

Gandalf: And?

Bilbo: I brought it from the mayor of the South Farthing and he declared it was the finest tobacco; better than Longbottom leaf.

(Gandalf coughs up smoke. Bilbo then blows a smoke ring while Gandalf blows smoke in the shape of a dragon. Bilbo smiles in awe.)

Bilbo: Gandalf my old friend…this will be a night to remember.

Gandalf: Who's talking slick?

Bilbo: You are.

(Gandalf gasps in disappointment.)

Gandalf: You're 111 years old! Can you believe that? 111 years old!

Bilbo: And you're 2,000 years old! What equivalency is there?

Gandalf: I don't know.

(Bilbo coughs up smoke. Half an hour later, 200 hobbits or so are celebrating Bilbo's birthday with much glee and happiness. Gandalf lights a stick of dynamite under a tent and throws it up in the air. It explodes, and black powder dust reigns down on the hobbits. Much dancing is happening and a lot of hobbits are getting drunk. Meanwhile, Sam is watching Mrs. Potter dance. Mrs. Potter smiles at Sam and goes cross-eyed while Sam turns quickly and looks at his drink. Frodo then sits next to him.)

Frodo: Come on, Sam! Ask Mrs. Potter for a dance!

Sam: I don't want to dance with Beatrix Potter. She's a famous legend!

Frodo: I'm talking about Harry Potter's wife.

(Sam starts to get up.)

Sam: No. I think I'll ask Rosy instead.

(Frodo stops Sam from going anywhere and turns him around.)

Frodo: Oh no, you don't!

(Frodo pushes Sam into Mrs. Potter. Mrs. Potter pushes over a big bowl of punch which gets all over her. Harry Potter then arrives on the scene.)

Harry Potter to Sam: Now look what you've done!

(Harry Potter helps his wife up.)

Sam to Harry Potter: Yeah all that wasted good punch.

Harry Potter to Sam: I'll waste a punch on you!

(Harry Potter and his wife then stomp angrily away out from Bilbo's party. Sam shrugs his shoulders and gets his mug to fetch some more ale. He finds Frodo laughing.)

Sam: And what's so funny?

(Frodo continues laughing for a while.)

Frodo: You got the future manager of Mega Wal-Mart, wet!

(Frodo laughs harder then ever. Meanwhile, Gandalf is getting more sticks of dynamite while Merry secretly watches him. After he is gone he bumps the side of a tent and Pippin comes out. He then gives Pippin a lift and throws him into the trailer. Pippin then looks for a big stick of dynamite. He then holds up one to Merry.)

Merry: No. No. The big one. The big one.

(Pippin pulls out a jumbo stick of dynamite and Merry gasps in awe. Pippin goes into the tent and Merry takes an munch into an apple before disappearing into his tent of secrecy. Gandalf shoots a Rocket Propelled Grenade which explodes 15 feet into the air and goes out into many shapes and colors. The scene then changes to Bilbo telling some hobbit kids a story.)

Bilbo: And there I was again; three hundred trolls! And they were all arguing among themselves about how they were going to toast us. Whether they were going to put us in a BBQ or sit on us one by one and squash us into Jello.

(One of the hobbit kids gasps.)

Bilbo: And just when the thingnabobs and the whatchamacallits were about to happen, POOF!

(All hobbit kids gasp.)

Bilbo: And turn them all to stone!

(Meanwhile, Pippin is assembling the big stick of dynamite on a rod so that it will stick in the ground. Merry watches while Pippin smokes and assembles the rocket. While he is assembling the rocket, his cigarette touches the fuse which lights it but Pippin doesn't notice.)

Pippin: There! Done!

Merry: You idiot! You supposed to smoke somewhere else!

Pippin: I am smoking somewhere else!

Merry: OUTSIDE!

Pippin: But I don't smoke in public!

(The dynamite (which is a special stick of dynamite) shoots up into the air which carries the tent off with it. Hobbits are amazed to see the firework (which they think it is) that high up in the air. It comes back down and Frodo sees that it is dynamite.)

Frodo whispers to himself: Bilbo!

(Hobbits then see it is a big stick of dynamite and they start freaking out.)

Frodo: Bilbo it's dynamite!

Bilbo: Dynamite? Nonsense. There hasn't been dynamite in these parts for many hours!

(Frodo, Bilbo, and the hobbits all lay down when the dynamite rushes past them. The dynamite explodes on the horizon and sends many fiery shapes and colors. The hobbits start chearing.)

Merry: That was good!

Pippin: I'm going to get another one!

(Gandalf grabs both of them by the hair and lifts them up two feet off the ground.)

Gandalf: Frankenstine who ever your last name is. And Jekel-Took. I might have known.

(After Gandalf scolds them, he sends both hobbits to kitchen cleaning. The two hobbits look up to see the rest of the crowd cheering Bilbo on to give a speech.)

Hobbit Crowd: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

(At every hobbit name Bilbo says, the hobbit crowd cheers.)

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins! Tooks and Brandybills!

(At the mention of the names Took and Brandybills, Pippin and Merry grin and clink their mugs full of ale over Gandalf's head. The mugs hit so hard that half of their ale spills out and goes all over Gandalf's head and clothes. Gandalf wipes the ale out of his eyes silently while his face turns from a happy look, to a grim look. But Pippin and Merry are to drunk to notice.)

Bilbo: Grubs! Chubs! Pipeblowers! Bracegirdles! And Prouddrinkers!

Hobbit 1: Prouddrunkerds!

Bilbo: Today is my 111th birthday! 

Hobbit Crowd: Happy Birthday!

Sackville-Baggins Couple mumble: Happy Birthnight!

Bilbo: Alas, 111 years is far too long a time with such excellent and admirable hobbits!

(Hobbit crowd groans.)

Bilbo: But I like beer as half as anybody would like, and I hate Budwieser since half of you drink it!

(Hobbit crowd silences.)

(Bilbo reaches into his pocket.)

Bilbo: I…I have things to do.

(Bilbo puts his hands behind his back that hold a cell phone.)

Bilbo whispers to himself: I've called on this cell phone far to long.

Bilbo to crowd: I regret to announce that this is the beginning. I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell.

Bilbo whispers: Goodbye!

(Bilbo takes the cell phone from behind his back and presses a button on it which makes him disappear.)

(The hobbit crowd gasp and start looking for Bilbo. Bilbo secretly walks up Bag End and goes into it before reappearing. Bilbo laughs when he closes his hobbit door and reappears. He then flips the cell phone in the air and puts it in his pocket. He then takes a satellite receiver tapped to a walking stick and mumbles to himself. He then comes into his study room; knowing that Gandalf is there.)

Gandalf: You think that was very clever?

(Bilbo continues looking through some papers.)

Bilbo: Yes.

Gandalf: Aren't you surprised to see me?

Bilbo: Nope.

(Gandalf grumbles.)

Bilbo: C'mon Gandalf. Couldn't you see their faces?

Gandalf: There are many magic, AT&T, Verizon, Samsung, and etc. cell phones and none of them should be used lightly.

Bilbo: Really?

Gandalf: Yes.

Bilbo mumbles: Well you don't take care of your cell phone.

Gandalf: That's because I am old. And when I don't press a button right or dial the wrong number I throw a wizard fit!

Bilbo mumbles to himself: Which is close to a baby fit.

Bilbo to Gandalf: That is not a good excuse! You can make glasses out of thin air if you had to.

Gandalf: No I can't. Besides, I am old. 2000 years old! Can you believe that?

Bilbo: Nope. You're well preserved if you're that old.

Gandalf: Oh right then. If you think I'm that preserved, what food would make me well preserved?

Bilbo: Easy. Twinkies!

(Gandalf looks puzzled.)

Bilbo: Twinkies contain a lot of preservatives!

(Gandalf rolls his eyes.)

Bilbo: Besides, it was just a bit of fun.

(Gandalf goes grim.)

Bilbo: Oh, you're probably wrong; as usual. But you will keep an eye on Frodo?

Gandalf: Four eyes. Since I can go cross-eyed very well.

Bilbo: I'm leaving everything to Frodo.

Gandalf: Even your clothes?

Bilbo: NO!

Gandalf: What about this cell phone of yours is it staying too?

Bilbo: I don't know. I'll check.

(Bilbo pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and dials up his own cell phone number.)

Bilbo talking to cell phone: Hey, do you want to stay in Bag End?

(Gandalf rolls his eyes. Half of the top of the cell phone shakes to the sides. Bilbo nods.)

Bilbo: My cell phone says he doesn't want to stay in Bag End.

Gandalf: I think you have had this cell phone long enough!

Bilbo: Well, who cares what you think?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!

(Bilbo gets against the wall in fear.)

Bilbo in a weak voice: Yes? I'm here.

Gandalf: Do not take me for some conjurer of Halloween "trick and treats"! I am not trying to rob you! I'm trying to bribe you!

(Bilbo walks toward Gandalf and hides his face against Gandalf.)

Bilbo in a weak voice: Bilbo.

Gandalf: All these long years we've been friends. Trust me as we once did. Hmm? Let it go.

Bilbo: You're right Gandalf. The cellphone and the list of ring tones that I have must go to Frodo. (*grabs his stuff*) Well it is late, and the road is long. It is time.

(Bilbo leaves Gandalf and gets on a backpack and his walking stick with a satellite receiver tapped to it and opens his hobbit door.)

Gandalf: Bilbo?

Bilbo: Yes?

Gandalf: The cell phone is still in your pocket.

Bilbo: And?

Gandalf: And you're supposed to give it to me.

Bilbo: Well you know what Gandalf, I won't give it to you. You can fetch it for yourself!

(Bilbo drops the cell phone and a yellow notepad that has musical notes to ring tones that Bilbo has thought up. Bilbo walks out of Bag End and looks at the stars; thinking.)

Bilbo: I've thought of an ending for my book. "And they argued with each other for the rest of their lives".

Gandalf: And I'm sure we will, Bilbo.

Bilbo: Goodbye Gandalf.

Gandalf: Goodbye Bilbo.

Bilbo singing: The road goes ever on and on. Down from the store where it began. I can't even remember my own song. And I must sing it if I can. Pursuing the lines in different beats.

Gandalf: Till our next argument.

(Gandalf then goes back into Bilbo's house and looks at the cell phone and the list of ring tones on the floor. He reaches his hand down when a ear and a eye appear in a flash. Gandalf freaks out and startles backwards into Bilbo's wall which Gandalf (with such force) knocks down a quarter of Bilbo's front wall. Gandalf then sits next to the fire with big red eyes. He is smoking when he remembers what Bilbo had told him.)

Bilbo's Voice: Oh you're probably wrong as usual.

Gandalf mumbles to himself: Poems in the dark.

Frodo: Bilbo! Bilbo! Bilbo?

(Frodo comes through the gap in Bilbo's front wall and sees the cell phone and list of ring tones on the floor. He then goes over to where Gandalf is sitting.)

Frodo: He told me that he was going to be raptured. But I didn't know that it was going to be this soon. Gandalf?

(Frodo holds out the cell phone and the list of ring tones for Gandalf to see. Gandalf looks and smiles crazily.)

Gandalf: Bilbo's cell phone and ring tones. He's gone to stay with elves.

Frodo: Who are the elves?

Gandalf: The servants who help Santa Clause all year for Christmas. But Bilbo has left you Bag End.

(Gandalf holds out a tiny black box with a tiny safety knob with numbers on it. Frodo puts the cell phone and the list of ring tones into the box.)

Gandalf: Along with all of his underwear. The cell phone and ring tones are your's now.

(Gandalf closes the safe and turns the safety knob several times.)

Gandalf: Keep it out of sight.

Frodo: Keep what out of sight? His underwear?

(Gandalf then goes down a hall and gets his staff and conical hat with Frodo following behind him.)

Gandalf: I have things to attend to.

Frodo: What things?

Gandalf: The key to your black box!

Frodo: But you've just closed it! And you don't have the numbers to turn the knob so that you can open it?

(Frodo holds up the box\safe that has Bilbo's cell phone and ring tones in it.)

Frodo: I don't understand.

Gandalf: Neither do I.

Frodo: Then why are you going?

Gandalf: Because I don't understand either.

(Gandalf goes through the gap he had accidentally made and gets on a donkey. He then takes out a syringe and needle and stabs through the donkey's neck and squirts some liquid in it so that the donkey will go REALLY fast. Donkey leaps up and speeds down the road.)

Gandalf calls to Frodo: Keep it safe! I'll be seeing yah!

(Then the last words that Frodo hears from Gandalf is,)

Gandalf: Whoa Puzzle! Whoa!

(Frodo looks at the box he is holding before the scene switches to a radio tower.)

Gollum: Sauron! Wal-Mart! Baggins! Gazoontite! Gazooks!

(Gollum says these strange words every time a hot brand or a whip lash is put on his skin.)

(The gates of the Pentagon open and Police and S.W.A.T cars issue forth with the police lights flashing and the noise of the siren echoes. Meanwhile, Gandalf is on his donkey, Puzzle, and he stops riding. There he listens to the honking of horns and the sound of music in the parking lot of Mega Wal-mart. He then starts riding again and gets to a great city called Costco. He then is lead by a guide who shows him the library of Costco. Gandalf looks through a ton of papers before coming to one that he likes to read.)

Isulder's voice: The year 666, I Isulder, King of Gondor, and the finding of the cell phone of power! It is precious to me. Even though it has been called before and not by me. The minutes on it begin to fade, and I lose signal. The minutes that fade is only revealed by what fire can tell.

(Meanwhile, a hobbit is splitting wood and he sees the police and S.W.A.T cars pull up in front of his house. One of the S.W.A.T cars (which is a HMMV) parks on the hobbit's flower bed. A window rolls down from that car and a Blackrider face appears. The head is bigger then the window and so the Blackrider can't stick his head out.)

Scared Hobbit: How dare you park your dirty, little…

Blackrider 1 interupts & starts wheezing: Wal-Mart! Baggins! Gazoontite! Gazooks!

Scared Hobbit: There are no Wal-Marts, Baggins, Gazoontites, Gazooks, Interlopers or Outerlopers. There that way! Don't come back!

(Scared hobbit walks backwards and trips backwards over his door step. The cars then release the parking brake and the cars start driving on again. Meanwhile, Rosy is saying a good night to Frodo and Sam, but especially to Pippin because she thinks he is a blockhead but a good dad for a comedian. When Frodo and Sam say goodnight, Sam turns his head to see Pippin kneeling down and drunkenly saying,)

Pippin: Farewell, Fair Maiden of the Golden Budstupid!

Sam grumbling: Fair Maiden of the Golden Budidiot, indeed!

Frodo: Don't worry, Sam. Rosy knows when there is a blockhead around.

Sam: She does?

Frodo: Yes.

(Sam hears Rosy saying goodnight to others and especially to Pippin because he's drunk and can't help continuing saying "goodnight" to her; so she takes "pity" on him.)

Sam mumbles to himself: It's never a goodnight with that blockhead of a Tookpick around.

Frodo: Goodnight Sam.

Sam: Badnight Frodo.

Frodo: Why's that Sam?

(By this time Frodo and Sam have reached Bag End. The two sit on some steps and listen to each other's conversation.)

Sam grumbling: Because that Buddrunkerd of a Pippin loves Rosy Cotton and is keeping her from me.

Frodo: Maybe you should buy her a Gameboy!

Sam: She might despise that. Besides Mr. Frodo, buying her a Gameboy has nothing to do in loving her.

Frodo: What about a bag of lollipops?

Sam: Or a bag of lollipops!

Frodo: Well I'm out of ideas. I guess I can't help you then.

Sam: I don't need your help.

Frodo: Ok. But you asked for it.

Sam: No I didn't.

Frodo: Oh yes you did.

Sam: No. You asked me what was troubling me.

(Frodo rolls his eyes, gets up and smiles at Sam.)

Frodo: Goodnight Sam.

(Frodo then opens the hobbit gate and goes through the gap that Gandalf had made, while Sam goes down the lane and mumbles,)

Sam: How can it be a goodnight? With all the troubles in this world? Well that will not stop me from giving that Tookpick of a Pippin a lesson or two.

(Meanwhile, Frodo comes into Bag End and sees that someone came through the chimney. Frodo looks suspicious and looks around. A hand grabs his shoulder and a voice asks,)

Santa Clause: Did you open your presents? Are you sneaking?

(Frodo calms down when he turns on the lights and sees that it is Santa Clause.)

Frodo: Santa Clause? What are you doing here? It's not Christmas in the Shire yet.

Santa Clause: I just came to make sure that you, especially, were not opening up your Christmas presents!

Frodo: You didn't leave any presents.

Santa Clause: And you didn't leave any cookies for me.

(Out from the shadows a hand grabs Santa Clause and turns him around.)

Gandalf to Santa Clause: Did you steal it? Did you eat it?

(Santa Clause goes cross-eyed and shakes his head. Gandalf then picks Santa Clause up and throws him into one of Bilbo's windows. The width of Santa's body and his heaviness breaks the window and about a foot of the wall. Santa Clause goes unconscious when he goes through the Verge. Gandalf then turns to Frodo.)

Gandalf: Is it secret? Is it safe?

(Frodo shrugs and starts looking through Santa's Toy Bag. Gandalf starts to get impatient and looses heart. Frodo finally finds it in Santa's Toy Bag and holds it up to Gandalf.)

Frodo: Ahh. Here.

(Gandalf snatches it from Frodo's hand and turns the safety knob until the box opens. He then takes out the cell phone and throws it into Bilbo's furnace.)

Frodo: What are you doing?

Gandalf: This cell phone is getting extra minutes if I do this.

Frodo puzzled: What?

Gandalf: Just wait.

(After a few minutes the cell phone turns into a shriveled-melted thing. Gandalf takes it from the fire with some tongs and looks at it.)

Gandalf: Hold out your hand Frodo.

(Frodo goes puzzled at Gandalf.)

Gandalf: It's quite cool.

(Gandalf lets the melted cell phone drop into Frodo's hand. Frodo yelps in pain from the heat of it. Gandalf doesn't mind Frodo's pain though.)

Gandalf: Can you see anything? Do you see anything?

Frodo grunts: I see a shriveled, melted, heated cell phone that is giving the skin on my hands a 3rd degree burn.

(Gandalf rolls his eyes.)

Gandalf: Well of course you can see that it is shriveled and melted. But do you see any words? Any pen writing?

Frodo grunts: No. Nothing. Wait.

(The cell phone reforms back into shape and extra minutes start to appear while at the same time strange writing appears on the screen.)

Frodo: There are extra minutes. And there is some form of gibberish writing; I can't read it.

Gandalf: There are few who can. The language is that of Verizon which I will not utter here.

Frodo: Verizon?

Gandalf: Yes. In the common tongue it says, "One cell phone to bankrupt all. Once cell phone to call them. One cell phone to gain extra minutes after all and in the radio towers signal them.

(Frodo and Gandalf then have dinner and Budmagic.)

Gandalf: This is the one cell phone. Created by the Professional, Sauron; and made by Verizon technology.

Frodo: Bilbo found it, in Gollum's enclave.

Gandalf: Yes. For many years, the cell phone prolonged Bilbo's minutes. But no longer Frodo. Evil is stirring in the east. The lands of Verizon are in secrecy of supporting bad causes. Sauron, though, cannot support these bad causes very well without the cell phone and the One ring inside it to help him.

(Frodo grabs the cell phone and walks away with it.)

Frodo: Very well. We put it away. Stow it somewhere. Bury it in the ground. No one knows it's here do they? Do they Gandalf?

Gandalf: There is one other. I tried to look for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first.

(Far away in the Lands of Verizon, in the Verizon Tower, Gollum is being tickled by orcs. Gollum screams in laughter, [even though it doesn't sound like it].)

Gollum screaming with laughter: Please! Please stop! You're going to kill me with laughter!

Orc 1: Then confess!

(Gollum stops laughing.)

Gollum: Confess what?

Orc 1: Your sins.

Gollum thinking: My sins…oh yes. I stole a pie off my grandma's windowsill and put some gasoline on Sauron. I think that is all the sins I've commited recently.

(Orc 1 grins.)

Orc 1: Good. (He unlocks Gollum's chains.) You are free to go!

(Gollum jumps up with joy.)

Gollum: Yippee!

Orc Leader 1: Wait!

Gollum: Yes?

Orc Leader 1: We're not finished with you yet.

Gollum: Oh?

Orc Leader 1: You've got one more thing to confess. Where is the cell phone?

Gollum mumbles: Wal-Mart! Baggins!

Orc Leader 1: I can't hear you!

Gollum mumbles: Wal-Mart! Baggins!

Orc Leader 1: Since I still can't hear you…(Orc Leader 1 motions orcs to chain Gollum down again. They do so and chain down Gollum) I'll have to have my orcs tickle you again.

(Orcs start tickling Gollum.)

Gollum screams with laughter: Sauron! Wal-Mart! Baggins! Gazoontite! Gazooks!

Orc Leader 1: That's better!

(Meanwhile, back in Bag End…)

Frodo: Stolen pies! Gasoline! Sauron! Walmart! Baggins! Gazoontite? Gazooks? Why…that'll lead them here!

(A Blackrider rides into the border of the Shire. A border patrol hobbit comes out with a lantern.)

Border Patrol Hobbit: Who goes there?

Blackrider 1: Your worse nightmare!

Border Patrol Hobbit: Sorry. We allow no nightmares here.

(The Blackrider draws his sword and is about to slice the hobbit's head off when the hobbit steps quickly to the side, opens his lantern and slips it down the Blackrider's blade. The opened lantern reaches the bottom of the blade and catches the Blackrider on fire. The Blackrider rides past the Border Patrol Hobbit, screaming.)

Border Patrol Hobbit: I'm sorry! I'm a Border Patrol Hobbit not a Fireman.

(Meanwhile back at Hobbiton, Frodo realizes what's going to happen to him and so he holds out the cell phone to Gandalf.)

Frodo: Take it Gandalf!

Gandalf: No Frodo.

Frodo: You must take it!

Gandalf: You cannot offer me this cell phone.

Frodo: I'm giving it to you!

Gandalf: Don't tempt me Frodo! I would never take it! (Gandalf is tempted and extends his hand slowly to the cell phone) Not even the desire to do good. For if I did take it you would have a wizard! (Gandalf's form changes into one of great highth) Not beautiful but handsome as the evening! Treacherous as the pond! All would love me and slap me! (Gandalf changes back to his regular highth).

(Frodo isn't even amused.)

Gandalf: I have past the test. I will go into the west and remain Gandalf.

(Frodo then gets frustrated.)

Frodo: But the cell phone cannot stay in the Shire.

Gandalf: Of course it can. Just take it to the nearest Wal-Mart and they will give your money back for free.

Frodo: Then what must I do?

(Frodo is packing while Gandalf is helping him.)

Gandalf: You must leave. And leave quickly.

Frodo: Where?

Gandalf: Meet me in Wal-Mart.

Frodo: But I'm trying to run away from the Blackriders.

Gandalf: I forgot.

(Frodo rolls his eyes.)

Gandalf: Then meet me at the inn of the Stupid Budweiser.

Frodo: And the cell phone will be safe there?

Gandalf: I don't know Frodo. I must meet with the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful. Don't worry Frodo. He'll know what to do.

(Frodo grabs his pack and heads out of his room.)

Gandalf: You must leave the name "Baggins" behind you. For that name is not safe. Travel only by day. And stay off the elevators, escalators, sidewalks, highways, freeways, roads and trails.

Frodo: I can go across country Gandalf.

(Frodo is all dressed and packed up to leave.)

Gandalf: My dear Frodo. Hobbits are very peculiar creatures. You can learn all about them and still in the next hundred years, they can still surprise you.

(Below the window, the bushes rustle.)

Gandalf whispers to Frodo: Get down!

(Frodo gets down to the floor. Gandalf takes his staff and slowly walks towards the window. He then sees the bush rustle more and he thrusts his staff into the bushes. Gandalf hears a groan and pulls out a figure.)

Gandalf: Come it all Samwise…

(The figure turns out to be Santa Clause. Gandalf sighs angrily and throws him back out of the window and grabs the right person.)

Gandalf: Come it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

Sam: No Master Gandalf! Honest. I was mowing the lawn; if you follow me.

Gandalf: A little late for trimming the lawn don't you think?

Sam: And then I heard voices.

Gandalf: Tell me what you heard! Speak!

Sam stuttering: Nnnnothing important. Though I heard a deal about pies, gasoline, a Dark Lord, Wal-Mart and the end of my world…I mean the world. Please Master Gandalf. Please don't turn me into anything…unnatural.

Gandalf: No? (Gandalf looks at Frodo and then at Sam) I have found a better use for you.

(It's the next morning. Gandalf is pushing a motorcycle through the grass.)

Gandalf to Sam: Come along Samwise. Keep up!

Sam: But I'm very fat.

Gandalf: Then go on satellite TV and see if you can lessen the weight.

Sam: Ok.

(Sam turns around but Frodo grabs Sam from behind and makes him walk the same direction.)

Frodo: He was just being sarcastic.

Sam: Shucks.

Gandalf: The woods are full of spies and dangerous enemies.

(He turns to Frodo.)

Gandalf: Is it safe?

(Frodo places his hand on his left pocket.)

Gandalf: Never put it on. For the agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to it's power. Remember, it wants to be found.

(Gandalf then gets on a motorcycle and drives away. Frodo and Sam hear a hawk screeching. They then set forth out of Hobbiton.)

Sam: Hurray, Frodo Baggins is scared of a regular hawk.

Frodo: Knock it off, Sam.

(They go through the country and reach the cornfields.)

(Sam stops walking.)

Sam: This is it.

Frodo: We're not there yet.

Sam: I know. But if I take one more step, this will be the farthest place from home, I've ever been.

Frodo: Come on Sam.

(Sam issues forth and Frodo puts a loving arm around him.)

Frodo: You remember what Bilbo said, It's a dangerous business, _Frodo. You step onto the escalator, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might end to._

(As a Blackrider comes deeper into the lands of the Shire, Gandalf rides forth to Sprint Tower and reaches it)

Saruman: Sirens echo in the east. Customers buy things in Mega-Walmart And Gandalf is riding to Sprint Tower, also known as Isengard, seeking my counsel.

(Saruman greets Gandalf.)

Saruman: For that's why you have come is it not? Gandalf, my old friend.

Gandalf points out: Young friend.

(Saruman narrows his eyes in anger. Gandalf then remembers his manners.)

Gandalf: Saruman.

(Gandalf stands straight and tall and salutes him in Army fashion. The two wizards then walk together to discuss some matters.)

Saruman: So the cell phone of power has been found.

Gandalf: Yes. All these long years; under my very nose,

Saruman: But you did not have the sight to see it. Your huge nose was so big you could not see the cell phone under your nose.

Gandalf: I…we need more time Saruman. Time. Time enough to act if we think on it.

Saruman: Time? (Saruman turns to Gandalf.) What time do you think we have?

(Saruman and Gandalf go into Sprint Tower\Isengard into Saruman's study room.)

Saruman: Sauron's forces are gathering in the east. His power is growing quickly. Though he cannot call minutes he can still call his allies through another source.

Gandalf mumbles: Web cameras.

Saruman: Yes.

Gandalf: But how do you know all of this?

Saruman: I have seen it.

(Gandalf and Saruman go into the throne room.)

Gandalf: A Web Camera is a dangerous tool Saruman.

Saruman: Why? Why should we fear to use it?

(Saruman goes over to a black-marble stand and removes a cloth from a Web Camera.)

Gandalf: They're not all accounted for. The new and industrious Web Cameras. We may not even know who may be watching.

(Gandalf takes the cloth and covers the Web Camera. The eye of Sauron appears and Gandalf's eyes widen. Saruman sits on his throne.)

Saruman: The hour is later then you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have issued forth from Motorola; disguised as riders in black.

(Gandalf gets nervous.)

Gandalf: The Nine?

Saruman: They crossed the Isen Canal on Midsummer's Eve. They will find the cell phone. And kill the one who has it.

Gandalf whispers to himself: Frodo.

(Gandalf turns to some sliding doors and they close and lock. He then turns to some others and they lock. He then turns to two others and they both lock. Gandalf then finds himself prisoner in Sprint Tower\Isengard.)

Saruman: You do not think that a hobbit can fight against the power of Mordor. There are none who can. Against the might of Sauron, can only lead to death.

Gandalf: Then tell me friend.

Saruman: I'm not your friend. I'm your elder.

Gandalf: Well I thought you were my friend. You know; giving each other greetings and all.

(Saruman gets angry and with magic, pushes Gandalf against the wall and holds them there; 20 feet off the floor. Saruman then lets go of Gandalf and is about to talk some more with Gandalf when Gandalf strikes back and uses magic to make Saruman fall. The two wizards fight for a while. Saruman bonks his head against the wall and against his own doors and Gandalf only gets thrown off his feet. Gandalf then gets tired and Saruman gets up and takes Gandalf's staff from his hand.)

Gandalf: You can't be Darth Vader and use the Force. And if you think I'm Han Solo then your mistaken.

Saruman: I know I'm not Darth Vader and I know you're not Han Solo. But nevertheless…

(Saruman makes Gandalf lie on the floor with magic and then starts spinning him.)

Gandalf: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh! This is fun! Better then a Pippin-Go-Around!

Saruman: I gave you the chance Gandalf. Willingly. But now you have chosen the way of pain. I'm Saruman. My powers are…

(Saruman stops talking for he accidentally picked up Gandalf with magic and threw him into the air.)

Gandalf: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Saruman: Oh brilliant!

(Saruman rolls his eyes in frustration. Gandalf screams all the way till he reaches the top. He crashes through the top of the tower and lands unconscious on top of Isengard. Meanwhile, back in the Shire, Sam is shouldering his way through a field of corn. He gets to a little trail and looks west and then east. He then starts getting anxious.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo? Frodo! Frodo!

Frodo: What Sam?

(Sam turns around and pulls out a skillet for defense. He then sees it's Frodo and he puts it away.)

Sam: I thought I lost you.

Frodo: What are you talking about? You've got a GPS and a Homing Device that you slipped into my pocket.

Sam: It's just something that Gandalf said.

Frodo: What did he say?

Sam: A hobbit lost is a hobbit earned. And I don't want no other hobbit then you.

Frodo: Sam. We're still in the Shire. A hobbit could have replaced me by now.

(Sam and Frodo get pushed down by two figures that turn out to be Merry and Pippin. Pippin then sees Frodo.)

Pippin: Frodo? Hey Merry!

(Merry gets up with a grunt.)

Merry: Hay? I see no hay.

Pippin: It's Frodo Baggins!

(Merry then sees Frodo.)

Merry: Bide you Frodo!

Sam: Got off him!

(Sam picks Pippin off of Frodo while Merry puts a big handful of carrots and cabbages.)

Merry: Here take these.

Sam: You've been in Farmer Maggot's crops!

Pippin: Who cares. (*shrugs*) He'll never know.

(The four hobbits hear some barking from Farmer Maggot's dogs. They see a scythe raised in the air and hear Farmer Maggot's voice shouting,)

Farmer Maggot: Hey! Get out of my fields!

(Pippin shrugs.)

Pippin: Oh well. He must be very angry against his hay.

(Merry sees what might happen to them and so grabs Frodo and pushes him into the corn crop while Pippin joins Merry. Sam continues staring at Farmer Maggot's scythe.)

Farmer Maggot: I'll catch you!

(Sam then drops what Merry had made him carry and makes a run with the other hobbits.)

Pippin: I don't see why he so angry. All we stole was some cabbages. And we left him some of the carrots last week. And some of the mushrooms from the week before.

Merry: Yes Pippin! My point is...he's clearly overeactin. Run!

(The three hobbits, Frodo, Merry & Pippin come to a full stop when they see a steep hill going down. Sam catches up with them and crashes into them. All four hobbits go tumbling down the hill and finally reach the bottom. Pippin lands near some horse manure.)

Pippin: Ooooh. That was close.

Merry: I think I've broken something.

(Merry pulls out a thick carrot from behind his back and sees that it's broken. He gasps. Sam doesn't care and brushes himself off.)

Sam: Fool of a Brandyduck and a Toothpick.

Merry: We're Brandybucks. Tooks.

Sam: And what good are Brandybucks and Tooks on a difficult journey like this?

(Pippin is lying on the ground. His eyes draw attention to a group of mushrooms.)

Pippin: Mushrooms!

(Pippin is about to get up but gets squashed by Sam and Merry. He then finally gets up and joins the two excited hobbits in gathering the mushrooms. Frodo sighs and looks down the road that they have stumbled upon.)

Frodo: I think we should be getting off the road.

(Pippin takes a munch into a mushroom.)

Pippin: What's the hurry?

(Frodo hears Black Rider pitched-wheezing down the road. Frodo's eyes widen with terror.)

Frodo: Get off the road! Quick!

(The three hobbits instantly obey and gather all the rest of the mushrooms and head into the forest. They find a place where they can hide under the roots of the trees and hide. The three hobbits, excluding Frodo, look into the bag full of mushrooms. Each hobbit is wanting to see it and fight for a while when Sam tells them to be quiet. Everyone silences. The four hobbits hear the heavy footsteps of a horse. Frodo breaths heavily and looks through a crack between one of the roots and the ground. Frodo sees nails and staples sticking out of one of the horses hooves. A metal foot comes down on the ground and Frodo stops looking through the crack but above himself. Frodo hears a figure lean forward and start smelling above them. Pippin starts getting scared and pulls out a cross and starts performing the Catholic sign of the cross. Frodo's eyes get heavy and he pulls out the cell phone. Merry pulls the bag of mushrooms closer to himself and then looks at Sam. A huge spider is crawling on Sam's shoulder. Merry hits the spider off of Sam and the figure turns it's head all of the sudden. Frodo wakes himself up from being sleepy and puts the cell phone away. Sam then throws a bag of chloroform from his pocket into the bushes and the figure screams and goes after it. The hobbits then pick themselves up and head deeper into the woods. After a little while the hobbits stop running and Merry stumbles into some leaves. He then gasps and asks Frodo,)

Merry: What was that?

(Sam stands still and opens the bag of mushrooms and then looks at Frodo. Hours pass into the night and the hobbits are running tiredly through the woods from tree to tree, and from bush to bush. The hobbits stop and Merry asks Frodo a question.)

Merry: Do you see anything?

Frodo: Nothing. Except bushes and trees.

(Pippin walks tiredly.)

Pippin: What…is going on?

Merry: That blackrider was looking for our mushrooms; or someone else's. Frodo?

(Frodo looks at Merry with a tired look, not knowing really what the blackrider was after.)

Sam: Get down!

(All the hobbits get down behind some bushes and look up at the top of a hill to see two blackriders that are mounted on motorcycles while another is coming towards them, dismounted from his motorcycle and with his head downwards. One of the blackriders speak.)

Blackrider 5: It looks like one of our friends got hit by something.

Blackrider 6: Or probably didn't get a good night sleep from having nightmares about water and fire.

(Dismounted blackrider reaches the two.)

Blackrider 5 to dismounted blackrider: Well! Well! Old friend! From what me and my friend see…you have a tired look.

Dismounted Blackrider\Blackrider 2: Yes. I just woke up from a very long sleep. I was tracking down the young eightlings when I heard something get toss through the air and land not far from me. I screamed in delight and went over to the object to see that it was a sack. I looked into it and smelled to see if there were any hobbits in there. Before I could find out what it was I got knocked out by the toxic fumes that lay inside it and woke up to find myself where I had been hours earlier. I looked at the bag and saw a sticker that said, CHLOROFORM.

(The mounted blackriders cackle deeply in delight.)

Blackrider 6: You were tricked too easily by the ninthlings.

Blackrider 2 mumbling: I didn't know what I was getting into.

Blackrider 5: Head on!

(Blackrider 2 mounts on his motorcycle and rides with Blackrider 5 & 6 down the road. Frodo turns to Merry.)

Frodo: Sam and I must get out of the Shire.

Pippin: You mean, we need to get out of the Shire.

Merry: Right. Buckle up berry-ferrys. Follow me!

(The hobbits get up from the bushes and start running for the ferry. While they are running, the three blackriders meet them accidentally. The hobbits dodge the blackriders and continue running. Blackrider 5 & 6 don't go after the hobbits immediately.)

Blackrider 5: Which hobbit are we supposed to go after?

(Blackrider 2 rides after the hobbits.)

Blackrider 2 shouts back: The one with the black hair of course!

(Blackrider 5 and 6 issue forth. The hobbits reach the ferry and find a motor boat there. They start the engine the ropes and push off. The hobbits then see that they're leaving Frodo behind.)

Sam, Pippin, Merry: Come on Frodo! Hurry! Run Frodo!

(Frodo reaches the fence and jumps over it. All three blackriders smash into through the fence and keep on riding after Frodo. Frodo keeps on running and says,)

Frodo: Go!

(Pippin dumbly starts the engine and turns it to full speed. He then makes the boat go forward. Frodo runs across the wooden porch and misses the boat by half an inch. He stumbles into the water and swims after the boat. The blackriders keep on riding and Blackrider 2 steps on the break but it doesn't slow down the motorcycle. He continues stepping on it and looks up. He finds himself going across the wooden porch and into the river. His clothing and spirit then disappear and the motorcycle sinks into the water. Blackrider 5 & 6 continue riding. Blackrider 6, who is in front of Blackrider 5, steps on the break which makes him stop just a foot from the river's edge. Blackrider 5 though steps on his break and it breaks off. Blackrider then gasps.)

Blackrider 5: Uh-Oh.

(Blackrider 5 then smashes into Blackrider 6's motorcycle and both go tumbling into the water and they disappear. Meanwhile, Frodo is swimming after the motorboat that Pippin and the other hobbits are in and he gets tired. He then screams at the top of his voice,)

Frodo: BRING THE BOAT BACK YOU IDIOTS!

(Pippin steers back and drives right next to Frodo. Frodo then climbs into the boat and pants.)

Merry jokingly: Hullo! A fish has climbed into our boat!

(Frodo's face grows frustrated.)

Frodo: I certainly would have turned into a fish if you hadn't steered your boat back and picked me up!

Sam: Sorry Mr. Frodo. It's Master Took's fault. After all, I told him to remind me to get you.

(Pippin looks up from his steering. A piece of mushroom sticks out between his lips.)

Pippin muffled: Whert? Why are you loking at me like that?

(Hours later, the hobbits reach the village of Bree. It is raining by the gallons and Frodo is leading them. He then looks to the left & to the right to make sure there is nobody around. He and the hobbits then go up to the gate and Frodo bangs on the small door. A gatekeeper looks through a window that is as high as a man and then looks through a window that is as high as a dwarf, and then finally looks through the right window that is hobbit highth. He then squints.)

Gatekeeper of Bree: What do you want?

Frodo: We're trying to stay at Hotel 6.

(Sam leans over to Frodo.)

Sam to Frodo: I thought we were to meet Gandalf at the inn of the Stupid Budweiser.

Frodo: I know. But Stupid Budweiser is not a very good…

Gatekeeper of Bree to Frodo: You calling me Stupid Budweiser?

Frodo stuttering: Nnnnno sir. I was meaning the Stupid Budweiser Inn.

(Gatekeeper of Bree nods.)

Gatekeeper of Bree: Alright sir. I meant no offense. It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. They talk about strange folk a broad. Can't be too careful.

(The hobbits enter Bree and the Gatekeeper of Bree closes the small door behind them and then returns to his small house. They go down the main road and are passed by men that are two feet taller then them. Wagons pass by and Pippin starts squinting from all the rain. They pass by a man who is eating a carrot and he burps. They finally find Hotel 6 which used to be otherwise known as The Prancing Pony. They enter in and find a lot of drunks shouting and holding discussions. Frodo goes up to the counter which is higher then himself.)

Frodo: Excuse me?

(Barlamin Butterbur goes up to the counter and he expects to see a man but he looks down and sees the four hobbits.)

Butterbur: Good evening young sirs. If you're seeking an accommodation, we've got some nice hobbit-sized mattress beds, Mr uhhh…?

Sam to Butterbur: Hey! That's not his name! You must call him Mr…!

Frodo interrupting: Underhill. My name's Underhill. We're friends with Gandalf the Grey, can you tell us he's arrived?

Butterbur thinking: Gandalf? Gandalf?

(Frodo gulps.)

Butterbur remembering: Ohhh yes. I remember. Elderly chap. Big grey beard. Coney hat.

Sam whispering to Frodo: Did Gandalf ever have a hat made out of rabbits?

Frodo whispering back: No. But Barlamin Butterbur is saying he had a cone hat.

Sam whispering: Oh.

Butterbur: Haven't seen him for six munch.

Pippin: Then he must be not that far away.

(Pippin shrugs his shoulders. The hobbits then gather around and whisper.)

Sam whispering: What are we gona do now?

(The hobbits order a table and food and have a silent dinner.)

Frodo to Sam: Don't worry Sam. He'll be here.

(Merry shoulders past a man.)

Man 3 to Merry: Out of my way!

(Merry seats himself at the table.)

Pippin to Merry: What's that?

Merry: This, my friend, is a pint.

Pippin: It comes in pints?

(Merry relishes on the beer.)

Pippin: I'm getting one. Bud light.

(Pippin gets up and walks to the tall counter.)

Sam: But you've had a whole half already.

(Frodo looks up and sees a man sitting next to a fireplace. Tails of smoke float about him.)

Sam: That rider has been nothing but staring at us since we arrived.

(Merry speaks with his mouth half-full with beer.)

Merry: Thwats wert peeple do. (*finishes drink*) It's their job to stare at people all day and see what other people think about the way their face looks.

(At that moment, Barlamin Butterbur passes the hobbit's table with some trays and a pitcher of coffee in his hand.)

Sam to Butterbur: Excuse me.

(Butterbur stops walking and bends down near Sam. Sam then points his finger at the rider without looking at him.)

Sam to Butterbur: Who…is…that…man…there?

Butterbur: A new guest of mine. Arrived today.

(Sam gets up and smiles mischievously.)

Sam: A new guest, hey? (*chuckles mischievously*)

(Sam then starts walking towards the rider.)

Butterbur to Sam: His name is Strider. You won't want to mess with him.

Aragorn\Strider: Let the hobbit alone Butterbur. By the look of his size, he could take on any man.

(Drunken crowd roars in laughter. Merry hiccups.)

Merry: What's a strider?

Frodo: It's one who walks a lot.

(A grim look shows on Sam's face as he changes his mind and walks back toward the table. Butterbur continues doing his work while Frodo pulls out the cell phone and rotates it slowly through his fingers. He then closes his eyes and hears a voice saying,)

Sauron: _Baggins._

Frodo: That's me.

Sauron: _Baggins._

Frodo: That's me.

Sauron: _Baggins._

(Frodo can't contain it any longer. He then gets up and bursts at the top of his lungs,)

Frodo: THAT'S ME!

(The whole drunken crowd silences and all eyes stare at Frodo. Frodo gets embarrassed and hides under a table quickly. Everybody then continues going about his business. Frodo then gets grabbed by the jacket and pulled face against face with Strider.)

Aragorn: You've brought too much attention to yourself, Mr. Baboontite.

Frodo: Hey! My name is Baggins!

(But before Frodo can argue anymore, Strider makes Frodo walk upstairs. Frodo then tumbles into a large room and gets up.)

Frodo: Who are you?

Aragorn: There will be more caution. There is no trinket you carry.

Frodo: I carry nothing but my own skin and clothes.

Aragorn sarcastically: Indeed.

(Aragorn (also known as Strider) then goes to some candles that are lit.)

Aragorn: I can avoid being seen if I wish.

(Aragorn licks his fingers and then puts out two candles. At each candle that gets put out, Aragorn gasps in pain.)

Aragorn: But to hide yourself entirely, that is a normal gift.

Frodo: Who are you?

Aragorn: Did you already ask that question?

Frodo: Yes.

Aragorn: Then you're not nearly supposed to be frightened enough. I know what hunts and haunts you.

(Aragorn walks towards Frodo. He then hears the door get thrown open. He then draws out his sword and holds it in front of himself. Sam, Pippin & Merry come charging in. Sam's has brass knuckles on his fingers, Pippin has a stool, and Merry is holding a flashlight.)

Sam: Unhand him! Or I'll have you Longshanks!

(Aragorn sees it's just three hobbits and so he sheaths his sword.)

Aragorn: You have a stout heart young hobbit. But that will not save you. (*turns to Frodo*) You can no longer wait for the wizard Frodo. They're coming.

Frodo: Who's coming?

Aragorn: The Nine.

Pippin: Stooges?

Aragorn: No. The Nine Blackriders.

(Aragorn then has the hobbits stay with him. While the hobbits are sleeping, the gatekeeper hears a knock on the main gate. He goes to check and opens his little window in the gate. His eyes widen before the gate comes tumbling down. The Blackriders ride in until they reach Hotel 6 (a.k.a The Prancing Pony) and enter into it. They pass by Butterbur's room while Butterbur, knowing that they're there, pulls out a cross and does the Catholic ritual before hiding in his closet. The Blackriders enter into a hobbit room. They all surround four beds and then stab. They stab until they think the hobbits should be dead. They remove the blankets and see that there is no hobbit. They get angry and turn over the beds; and at the same time, Merry wakes up.)

Frodo to Aragorn: Who are they?

Aragorn: Great kings of men. Then Sauron the Trickster, gave them nine Blackberry Cellphones. Blinded by their lust for new technology, they took them without question. Now they are enslaved to the technology and will of Sauron. And at all times, they feel the power of the cellphone. They will not stop hunting you.

(Aragorn and the hobbits leave Bree.)

Frodo: Where are you taking us?

Aragorn: Into the park.

Merry to Frodo: How do we know we can trust this Strider?

Frodo: All we can do is that we have to trust him.

(Merry sighs.)

Sam: But where is he leading us?

Aragorn: To La-Z-Boy Furniture Store, Master Gamgee. In the house of Elrond.

Sam: Hey. Did you hear that, we're going to go see the elves.

Frodo: What does elves have to do with furniture?

Pippin: Elves are lazy. All they do is sing and sing, and, what do you know? Sing!

(The next day…)

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.

Pippin: But what about waffles?

Aragorn: You already ate one.

Pippin: I ate one, yes. But what about Ego Waffles?

(Aragorn turns around and continues walking.)

Merry: I don't think he knows about Ego Waffles, Pip.

(Merry heaves on his shoulder, a bundle along with a spoon.)

Pippin: But what about Sunmaid Raisins? Kellogg's Cereal? Lucky Charms? Mcdonald's Apple Pie? Surely he knows about them. Doesn't he?

Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

(Aragorn tosses a Mcdonald's Apple Pie. Merry catches it and hands it to Pippin. Pippin looks at it while another Mcdonald's Pie gets tossed and hits his head. Pippin looks up into the sky.)

Merry: Pippin!

(Meanwhile Saruman in Sprint Tower, has his hand over a Web Camera and speaks to it.)

Saruman: The power of Sprint Tower is at your command.

Sauron: I knew that.

Saruman: Sauron, Lord of the Earth.

Sauron: Thank You.

(Sauron then changes his voice to a deeper voice which echoes off from the speakers in the chamber.)

Sauron: Build me (*burps*) an army. Worthy of Verizon.

(Saruman then throws the cloak back on the Web Camera and sits down. Orcs then come in.)

Orc 500: What orders from Verizon my lord? What does the great Eye command?

Saruman: We have washing to do!

(In the evening orcs are in thousands of bath tubs getting washed. Saruman comes to inspect them.)

Orc 500: The stench is strong my Lord. We need more soap.

Saruman: Make some more now!

(The orcs do as Saruman commands. Meanwhile Gandalf wakes up and then his eyes widen in terror. He is standing on one of the small spikes of Sprint Tower (Isengard). He sneezes and almost falls off before rebalancing himself.)

(Meanwhile Aragorn is escorting the hobbits and they come to a ruin.)

Aragorn: This used to be the great tower of T Mobile. We will rest here tonight.

(The hobbits and their guide reach the tower and collapse to lie down. Aragorn then throws a cloak and reveals lightsabers and a sword.)

Aragorn: These are for you.

(Aragorn tosses a lightsaber to each hobbit and gives Frodo a sword. Frodo becomes disappointed)

Frodo: How come I don't get a lightsaber?

Aragorn: Because it is not according to the movie script.

Frodo: Well this scene is not according to…

(Aragorn ignores Frodo and goes out to go scouting. Frodo then lies down to rests and wakes up several hours later smelling something. He gets up and sees that there is a propane tank connected to a burner. Sam has taken Frodo's sword and is melting it in the fire and beating the blade into the shape of a pan. Only half of the blade and the handle is left.)

Frodo: What are you doing?

Merry: Sam is making pots and pans for us.

(Sam holds up a newly formed pan.)

Sam: I made one for you Mr. Frodo.

(Frodo rushes up and starts stamping his foot in the burner.)

Frodo: Put it out you fools! Put it out! And reshape it!

(Frodo's foot can't put out the fire and instead gets slightly burned.)

Pippin: Oh that's nice. Kentucky Fried Hobbit Foot!

(The hobbits then hear something wheeze. They look over the edge and see Blackriders ride up in motorcycles. Frodo picks up his half-pot-half-blade sword.)

Frodo: Go!

(The hobbits turn on their lightsabers and rush up some stairs, followed by Frodo. They reach the top of the tower and stand back to back. Slowly, the Blackriders appear and draw their swords. They advance slowly and then Sam plucks up courage.)

Sam: Back you devils!

(The Blackriders meet blades with Sam's lightsaber and their blades all get cut off. The Witch King of Angmar then pushes Sam aside and the other hobbits. A pot then hits over the head of the Witch King and he falls down unconscious. Frodo holds up his half-pan half-sword and looks to see a Blackrider stare at him. He drops his pan\sword in fear and stumbles backwards. The Blackrider issues forward and draws a tazer from his pocket. Frodo then hears the Cell Phone ring. He pulls it out and lifts one finger.)

Frodo to Blackrider: One moment.

(Frodo flips the Cell Phone open.)

Frodo: Hello?

Gandalf: Good heavens Frodo! Is that your voice? I've been trying to reach you. I'm trapped on Sprint Tower!

Frodo: I'm trapped too! Gandalf…

(Frodo hears the connection cut and looks at the Cell Phone. He sees that the Cell Phone has run out of minutes. Frodo then looks up at the Blackriders.)

Frodo: Times In.

(The Blackriders continue issuing forward and Frodo presses the OK button which makes him disappear. He then sees the Blackriders' underwear and sees their true character. He also sees the Blackrider with the tazer is Barbossa. Barbossa grins at him.)

Barbossa: Give me the Cell Phone!

(Another Blackrider, called Joker, then looks at Barbossa.)

Blackrider\Joker: No. I want to make my phone call!

(Frodo shakes his head. Barbossa grins and pushes the button and shocks Frodo. Frodo doesn't scream right away but remains silent for a few minutes.)

Frodo: I feel…cold.

Blackrider\Joker: A shocking experience! Moo ha ha ha!

(Frodo then screams and sees Aragorn jump over him with a flame thrower and a rifle. Aragorn shoots at the Blackriders and pulls the trigger which releases flame onto the Blackriders. After a desperate fight, the Blackriders retreat, which leaves the hobbits and Aragorn.)

Sam: Strider!

Aragorn: Yes?

Sam: Frodo needs help!

Aragorn: I don't see him.

(Frodo turns off the Cell Phone and screams which makes him reappear.)

Aragorn: Ah there you are. Why were you hiding?

(Aragorn goes up to Frodo and picks up the tazer.)

Aragorn: He's been shocked by a Moterola Tazer.

(Aragorn pushes the "Self-Destruct" Button and the tazer blows up, releasing all its volts onto Aragorn.)

Aragorn: Father! Please!

Pippin: We're not in Episode 6 of Star Wars. So stop your whining!

Merry to Sam: He's beyond my skill. He needs Lembas Bread.

(Sam picks up Frodo and walks off while Pippin and Merry carry the unconscious Strider. They put Frodo on a horse and Merry and Pippin carry Strider.)

Sam to Merry: We're six days from Walgreens! He'll never make it!

Pippin: I thought it was called La-Z-Boy?.

Merry to Strider: Hold on Strider.

Pippin: My name is not Strider.

Merry: Really? To think all this time I've called you Pippin. Well Not Strider, lets get moving.

Strider: Father!

(Meanwhile, Gandalf is trapped on Sprint Tower. Far below him in the holes of Isengard, Orc 589 is having some fun.)

Orc 589 to #5 Orc Division: Hey comrades! Want to see something fun?

Orc Division: Yeah. Show us mattey!

(Orc 589 picks up a radio controlled airplane model and attaches a small bomb to it. He then sends the airplane into the air and makes it fly around Sprint Tower. Meanwhile, Gandalf sees the airplane and grabs it with both hands and starts speaking to it in elvish. Orc 589 looks at his controls and becomes confused.)

Orc 48: What's wrong mattey?

Orc 589: The controls aren't working.

(Orc 48 goes up to him.)

Orc 48: Don't worry about that. Just press this button and say "Hooray for Middle-Earth Year!"

(Orc 48 grabs controls and presses the button that is labeled "Demolitian" and sets off the bomb on the plane. They then hear screams from Sprint Tower and see a small fire lit on one of the pinnacles.)

Orc 589: What happened?

Orc 48: Your bomb went off at the top of that spire. It looks like it is dancing.

(When the bomb went off, it lit Gandalf's beard. Gandalf screams and starts stamping and balancing at the same time on the pinnacle.)

Gandalf: My beard's on fire! My beard's on fire! Heeeeeeeeeeelp!

(Faraway, Gwahire sees a small fire in the distance and realizes that the voice is Gandalf's. Meanwhile, the hobbits have rested in the TrollShaw and Sam is bending over Frodo and touching his cheek.)

Sam to Merry: He's getting cold.

Pippin to Sam: Is he going to die?

Merry: He has been shocked by a 950,000 volt tazer. He is speaking like Jar-Jar.

(Frodo's tongue hangs out of his mouth and he starts speaking lazy gibberish. At the same time, Aragorn wakes up and slowly tilts his head towards Frodo. He sees the plight he's in and then turns to Sam and Merry.)

Aragorn: Sam, I need you to look for ivy.

Sam: Ivy?

Aragorn: Poison.

Sam: Ugh. Poison Ivy? That's what makes you itch.

Aragorn: It may help kill the shocking.

Merry: Are you sure?

Aragorn: Yes. Now go quickly.

(Merry and Sam go into the forest with torches while looking for Poison Ivy. Sam sees some and bends down to it and withdraws a kitchen knife. He's about to cut it when a dark blade gets pressed against his neck. He slowly tilts his head to see a Black Rider.)

Blackrider 4: What's this? A hobbit caught off his…Aaah.

(Blackrider gets hit in the back of the head by something and collapses right on top of Sam. Sam barely sees the rescuer and sees that it is an elf. But the Elf doesn't see him but instead unsheathes her sword and puts the tip to the unconscious Blackrider's back.)

Arwen: What's this? A Blackrider caught off his guard?

(The elf then shoves her sword through the Blackrider's back and the blade goes right through the body and barely misses Sam's body. Arwen then turns away and sheathes her blade. Sam then tries to lift the heavy body off of himself but his arms give and the body falls right on top of him again.)

Sam to Blackrider: Stinking rider!

(Arwen hears the voice and turns around and pulls out her sword and starts hacking the body.)

Arwen: Die! Die you!

(Sam starts to get nervous.)

Sam to Arwen: I'm not a Blackrider, my lady! I'm a hobbit!

(Arwen becomes more scared.)

Arwen: It speaks! Die! (*Arwen continues hacking*) Die! Die! Die!

(After Arwen is done hacking it, she sheathes her sword and starts picking up the pieces of what's left of the Blackrider. Without knowing it, she grabs Sam by the hair and throws him into the bushes and right on top of Merry. Sam grunts and Arwen hears it. She runs through the bushes and pulls out her sword.)

Arwen: Blackrider or Pirate?

Merry: We're not Blackriders nor Pie-rates, me lady! We're just hobbits!

Arwen: Oh.

Sam: We're trying to look for Poison Ivy. Can you help us find it?

Arwen: Oh yes. You're sitting on it.

(Merry and Sam jump up right away and see that they have been sitting on Poison Ivy all this time. They harvest some and then lead Arwen while telling her of their plight. They then reach their camp. Arwen sees Aragorn and goes to him.)

Arwen: Aragorn.

Aragorn: I'm fine. I'm just paralyzed, that's all. Go check on Frodo.

Arwen to the Hobbits: Help him up while I go check on Frodo.

(Sam, Merry, and Pippin have Aragorn stand up while Arwen checks on Frodo.)

Arwen: Pippin, do you know how to apply Poison Ivy in order to kill the shocking?

(Frodo continues speaking gibberish.)

Sam: No he doesn't. Why he's the worse…

Pippin interrupts: Why of course. I've earned my PhD before and have put in a lot of fences before and learned how to fix them.

(Pippin stops supporting Aragorn and walks towards Arwen. Aragorn becomes too heavy for Sam and Merry and he collapses on top of them.)

Arwen to Pippin: You've actually earned your PhD?

Pippin: Why of course! Nobody can put up a fence without a Post Hole Digger.

(Pippin kneels beside Frodo and takes the Poison Ivy from his pocket. Sam shouts though muffled by Aragorn's body.)

Sam: Dern't lit him apply the Poisinn. He doesernt know how.

(Arwen doesn't hear and lets Pippin continue. Pippin then takes the Poison Ivy and starts rubbing it all over Frodo's body and clothes.)

Arwen: You're sure that this will stop the shocking?

Pippin: Of course. After you apply itchiness to him, he'll be too itchy to even be conscious about it.

(Arwen then goes over to Aragorn and inspects him. She finds a small burn. She then turns to Pippin)

Arwen: I know how I can heal the wound. Go to my saddle bag and pull out a black bottle and bring it to me.

Pippin: Your wish is my command.

(Pippin goes over to the saddle bags and finds five bottles. One is labeled, "This bottle stops one with Stupidity." Another one is labeled "Steroids.")

Pippin to himself: Now I could use that.

(Another bottle is labeled, "Acid." Another bottle is labeled "Alcohol." The last one is labeled "This bottle makes one's hair fall out." Pippin scans the bottles again and pulls out the bottle labeled "Acid" and brings it to Arwen. Arwen opens the bottle and starts pouring acid on Aragorn's burn. Aragorn starts screaming in pain.)

Aragorn: My arm! It's burning!

Arwen: What?

Aragorn: My arm! What did you do to it?

Arwen: I did nothing! It's just alcohol.

(Aragorn picks up the bottle and throws it into the grass. The contents spill from the bottle's mouth and onto the grass. The grass turns black. As for Aragorn's wound, it just shows a bigger wound. He stops screaming and looks at his arm. He sees what has been done to his wound and goes cross-eyed and faints. Pippin, all this time, has been staring at Arwen, and has a smile on his face.)

Arwen: That was dramatic.

Pippin: Isn't that what romance is?

(Arwen looks at Pippin with furrowed eyes.)

Arwen: Is there something wrong?

(Pippin chuckles nervously.)

Arwen: Look, I'm going to go get Strider's body onto my horse and then I'll be back.

(Sam and Merry have managed to get out from under Aragorn's body.)

Arwen: Sam, Merry. I need you to get Frodo's body onto my horse.

(The hobbits nod and grab Frodo's body and slowly haul him towards Arwen's horse. Arwen picks up Aragorn with a grunt and puts him on her horse. She starts tieing straps around him. Pippin is still looking at Arwen with a nervous smile. Pippin then can't hold it any longer.)

Pippin: This is best for everyone!

(Pippin goes over to Arwen and pulls her to his lips and then smiles. Arwen smacks him in the head and Pippin goes unconscious.)

Sam: You stay with the others. I'll take Mr. Frodo.

Arwen speaking in elvish: My horse is the fastest. Not like your puny little pony.

Sam: What are you saying?

(Arwen stops speaking in elvish.)

Arwen: Bon Voyage.

(Arwen gets on her horse.)

Sam: Ride hard. And watch over both of them.

(Frodo stops speaking gibberish and lifts his head.)

Frodo: What is happening?

(Arwen rides off.)

Sam: Wait!

Merry to Sam: What are you doing? Those wraiths are still out there!

(Arwen continues riding. A wall of flame erupts all around her. She turns her horse and out through the flame comes Durza.)

Durza: Give them to me!

Arwen: Durza?

Durza: And I'll let you live.

Arwen: You're supposed to be acting in Eragon.

Durza: That's too bad. But…Sauron hired me.

(Arwen lifts Aragorn over her head with a grunt and sends him into the air by magic, while at the same time Durza hits Arwen off her horse by magic. Both Durza and Arwen hear Aragorn's screams of terror as he travels into the air. Durza goes over to Arwen and holds his hand over her body. Arwen pretends to be in pain.)

Durza: Where did you send it?

Arwen: It's not an "it". How will you tell the King, you're so poor at school?

(Arwen then kicks Durza between the legs. Durza keels over and groans.)

Arwen: I could be wrong, but I think I just qualified for a Black Belt.

(Arwen goes over to her horse. Durza goes cross eyed and sees Aragorn coming back down. He points into the air.)

Durza speaking in frightened gibberish: Abigee, Abigagee, Ahhhhhh!

(Aragorn falls right on top of Durza and goes unconscious. Arwen looks and grows angry.)

Arwen: All right! That's it! Nobody throws bodies at me!

(Arwen picks up Aragorn and puts him on her horse again. She then rides through the wall of fire without getting lit on fire, and rides till morning. She then hears sirens and sees the SWAT cars closing in from all sides. She sees a Blackrider stick his head out of a window and looks at Arwen. Other Blackriders ride on horses.)

Arwen to Witch King: Hey! This is not fair! There are more then 9 of you here! In fact there are 29 of you!

Witch King: I hired them! Moo hoo ha ha ha!

(Arwen speeds up her horse while the Blackriders pursue her in a hot chase. Arwen crosses the river to the other side while the other Blackriders stop at the river's edge. Witch King gets out of one of the SWAT cars and stares at Arwen.)

Witch King: Give up the twelfthling, she elf!

Arwen: If you think you're that good at fractions, come and claim him!

(All of the Blackriders issue forward and into the stream. Arwen starts speaking in elvish. Meanwhile, at the foot of the Misty Mountains (near Isengard), Treebeard and some other ents are listening on a walky-talky and hear Arwen speaking in elvish.)

Ent 1: What is she saying?

Treebeard to Ents: Break open the damn! Release the river!

(The ents break open the damn above Isengard and the river flows out of it into a huge pipe which gets pumped all the way to the river near Rivendel. Meanwhile, Arwen continues speaking in elvish while the Blackriders get closer. Frodo opens his eyes and he sees the Blackriders getting closer.)

Frodo: Ahhhh! Monster back!

(Frodo faints. The Blackriders then see a trickle of water from an icicle that's melting come over the side of a rocky edge. The Blackriders and the Witch King freak out and ride or drive away.)

Arwen to Blackriders: Ha ha! Take that you infidel!

(Arwen then hears a roar down stream and sees a huge wave of water looking like horses and men, coming down. So far she hasn't noticed that she is in the river too. The wave knocks her and her horse down. Frodo and Aragorn get swept away down stream and are floating freely. Meanwhile, Gandalf is smoking in Rivendel when he sees Frodo and Aragorn floating with the river. Gandalf freaks out and stops smoking and picks up his staff. He then points his staff towards the bodies.)

Gandalf: Oogah boogah! Rise out of the waters!

(Nothing happens.)

Gandalf: I command you!

(Gandalf then accidentally releases a humongous ball of fire into the river. The river gets dried up quickly and disappears. Gandalf's jaw drops while he hears a voice scream above him.)

Elrond: Gandalf!

(Gandalf cringes at the voice but then ignores it. He then starts saying other magic words to make Aragorn and Frodo get pulled out of the dry riverbed. Yoda then appears and waddles right next to him.)

Yoda: This is how you do it!

(Yoda then tries to use the force but it doesn't work. Yoda tries several times but it still doesn't work. Yoda then gets very angry and tries it with much action of the hands and Aragorn and Frodo go flying into the air. Gandalf follows their "flight" and finds them landing on him.)

Yoda: Good. All it needed was one big Jerk.

(Elves then come and take Aragorn and Frodo away. After several days Frodo wakes up and hears beeping. He looks to his side and finds that he is sleeping next to Aragorn in the same bed. Frodo sits up suddenly.)

Frodo laughing nervously: Eeew. Ha ha ha.

(Frodo then sees Gandalf who is smoking furiously.)

Frodo: Gandalf?

(Gandalf doesn't answer but continues smoking.)

Frodo: Gandalf?

(Gandalf then stops smoking and smiles at him as if in a trance.)

Gandalf talking in a squeaky voice: Bilbo's ring. He's gone to stay with the elves. He's left you all his possessions, flocks, herds and…

(Frodo picks up a pillow and throws it at Gandalf in the face to wake him up.)

Frodo: We already did that line!

(Gandalf then gets out of his trance.)

Gandalf: Frodo? Is that you? I'm so glad to see you!

Frodo: Gandalf…why didn't you meet us? Why didn't you come?

Gandalf: Well I am meeting you already. Oh. I see. That place. Well Frodo…I was delayed.

(Gandalf then tells his story.)

Saruman to Gandalf on Isengard: No one has the force or the Cellphone. One turn deserves another. Embrace the power of Verizon, or embrace your own destruction!

(Gandalf stands up on the pinnacle and jumps down and hugs Saruman. Saruman becomes disgusted and throws Gandalf towards the side of the tower. While Gandalf is hanging over the edge, he sees a paper plane fly above his head. Saruman then pulls Gandalf towards him which knocks him down.)

Saruman: Get off me you idiot!

(Saruman pushes him off and towers Gandalf over haughtily. Gandalf looks up and sees the eagle, Gwahire.)

Gandalf: There is only one, Lord of the Ring.

Saruman: No. There are three books in the trilogy.

Gandalf: Only one.

Saruman: Three.

Gandalf: One.

Saruman: Three.

Gandalf: Sorry. I can't stay up here anymore to argue with you. I'm going to miss my flight.

(Gandalf then runs over to the edge and jumps off. Gwahire flies right under him, but Gandalf misses landing on him by an inch and continues falling. Gandalf then sees what he's done and starts screaming. He falls through a chasm at the foot of Isengard and falls right into an orc mud pit. The orcs turn to see what the cry was but then continue going about their work. Gandalf comes out of the mud screaming with five or six orc hands grabbing his beard and neck that pull him down under. Orcs think that it is a great Uruk-hi. They mud-rakers run to the mud and pull Gandalf out. Gandalf stands up, towering above the orcs and starts taking mud out of his beard, hardly aware that there are orcs standing in front of him, awed by his highth and strength. One of the orcs gets on a stool and grabs Gandalf's beard, which the orc thinks is his chin, and inspects Gandalf to make sure he is well enough to be in Saruman's army. Gandalf gets angry and blasts the orc crowd in front of him with blue fire. Gwahire then comes gliding between and through orc machinery. Orcs are taken by surprise and start running into their holes. Gandalf then grabs on to Gwahire and flies away to Walgreens.)

Gandalf: And that is the pith of my story.

Frodo: Interesting.

(Sam then enters the room and sees that Frodo is up.)

Sam: Bless you Frodo you're awake!

(Sam rushes over to Frodo and leaps right on the bed and on top of Aragorn. Aragorn blows out all the air out of his lungs and sees that Sam is on top of him. He shoves Sam to the floor and pulls the covers over himself.)

Gandalf: Sam was by your side all night. Now meet the manager of Walgreens. You're beginning to meet him.

(Elrond arrives into the scene.)

Elrond: Welcome to Walgreens, Frodo Baggills.

Frodo: That's not my name.

Elrond: Frodo Bagdicks?

Frodo: No.

Elrond: Frodo Baggins?

Frodo: Yes.

Elrond: Alright. Well here is your receipt.

(Elrond hands Frodo his bill that has a list of medicine.)

Frodo: But I didn't ask for this!

Sam: But how else were we to keep you alive Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Just give me Lembas Bread! Twinkies! Ego Waffles! Anything but this medicine! (*Frodo turns to Elrond*) Cancel the order!

Elrond: I'm sorry we can't do that.

Frodo: Why not?

Elrond: Because we pumped all that medicine into you.

Frodo: What? I can't stand being in Walgreens any longer! I'm getting out of here!

(Frodo gets up and feels something get pulled from his body. He realizes he was hooked up to a cord which was hooked up to a monitor. The monitor that was doing the beeping, beeps faster. Frodo grows cross eyed and faints in the bed.)

(Hours later…)

(Frodo and Sam are walking in Rivendell and they then meet up with Merry and Pippin. There is some laughter and some ale spilling from their mugs and mouths but they pay no attention. Frodo withdraws from the drunken brawl when he sees Bilbo.)

Frodo: Bilbo!

Bilbo: Frodo my lad.

(Frodo rushes over to Bilbo and hugs him. Bilbo then hands him a book and Frodo looks into it.)

Frodo: There and then left behind. A prophet's tale by Tim Lahaye.

Bilbo: Ooops. Wrong book.

(Bilbo hands Frodo another book.)

Frodo: And they argued with each other for the rest of their lives. A hobbits tale by Bilbo Baggins.

(Frodo flips through the book and sees cartoon pictures of Gandalf and Bilbo arguing at each other.)

Frodo: This is funny. But I thought you were going to put the title at the end.

Bilbo: I meant to put it at the beginning. And then visit the wonders of Mirkwood, Lake-Town, the Lonely Mountain. But I think my age has finally caught up with me.

(Frodo gives a knowing smile to Bilbo and flips to the next page where it shows the Shire.)

Frodo: The Shire. I spent much of my childhood, imagining that I was on some adventure…on one of your adventures. My adventure turned out to be quite different. I'm not like you Bilbo.

(Bilbo gets up angrily.)

Bilbo: Ahh! What business does it make if you are not or are like me?

(Frodo gets up slowly and calmly.)

Frodo: I think your blood pressure has been high long enough.

Bilbo: You…you don't care a thing about me.

Frodo: Uncle Bilbo?

(Bilbo lifts an eyebrow.)

Bilbo: Yes?

Frodo: Do not take me for some conjuror of expensive tricks. I'm not trying to rob you of your social security. I'm trying to share it with you.

(Pippin appears.)

Pippin: Well I think that's enough dramatization for the day. Elrond is calling up a secret meeting tomorrow.

(Pippin sighs.)

Pippin: Which I'm not going to.

Frodo: Very well.

(Frodo then gets up and goes out to find Sam. He finds him packing up his things.)

Sam mumbling: How could I have forgotten that?

Frodo to Sam: Packing already?

Sam: No harm in packing early.

Frodo: I thought you wanted to see the elves, Sam.

Sam: I do.

Frodo: More then anything.

Sam: I did. It's just that…(*walks up to Frodo*) We did what Gandalf wanted us to do, didn't we? We brought the Cellphone here, and I was thinking we could be off on our way. Home.

Frodo: You're right Sam. (*turns to Sam and pulls out the One Cellphone*) We did what Gandalf told us to do. The Cell Phone will be safe here. I am ready to go back.

(Frodo and Sam embrace each other and walk off. From a window, Elrond and Gandalf are looking at the two hobbits and now withdraw into discourse.)

Elrond: His strength returns.

Gandalf: It's a grievous wound he bears. He will carry it, for the rest of his life.

Elrond: And as for the Cell Phone, the hobbit has shown a strong resilience to it's minutes and programs.

Gandalf: Frodo did what I asked him. We can expect no more of Frodo.

Elrond: Gandalf, the Cell Phone cannot stay here. Sauron's forces are amassing in the East. His eye is fixed on Walgreens. And Saruman you tell me, has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin.

Gandalf: Saruman is amassing an army, crossing men with goblin-like creatures; creating a strong machine to do his will.

Elrond: Such power cannot be overcome. We do not have the drugs or chemical weapons here to fight both Sprint Tower and Verizon Tower.

(Gandalf turns and walks away from Gandalf.)

Elrond: Gandalf, the Cell Phone cannot stay here.

(Gandalf looks from a balcony and sees Boromir ride in. Legolas and some elves ride in from the lands of Mirkwood. And Gimli and some dwarves arrive in grim spirit.)

Elrond: It is here in Walgreens that the fate of all Internet-Earth must be decided. My people are leaving for the Western shores, who will your people look to for help? The Dwarves? They hide and delve for their riches. They seek nothing of the troubles that we possess. Men, men are weak. It was there that I saw the strength of men fail. I was there Gandalf. I was there, six thousand years ago. Once Sauron had been slain, I summoned Isuldur.

(Elrond recalls past events. It is 6000 years ago and he runs up to Isuldur who is laying on the ground looking at the cell phone.)

Elrond: Isuldur, follow me.

Isuldur: Hold up a moment. I'm getting a good score on this game.

Elrond: You can play a better game then that. And that is following me.

Elrond narrating: I led him up into the heart of Mount Doom, where the one place the cell phone could be destroyed.

Elrond to Isuldur: Cast it into the fire.

(Isuldur hears the Cell Phone talk to him and he continues playing the game. After about ten minutes he looks up at Elrond and gives him an evil smile.)

Isuldur: No. I just installed Assassin's Creed on here. (*turns away from Elrond*)

Elrond: Let me play it. Isuldur!

Elrond in the present: It was there that I saw the strength of men end on that day. The end is near. The world of Men will fall.

(Gandalf turns to Elrond.)

Gandalf: There is one who could bring them together. One who would carry on the kingship of Gondor.

Elrond: He crossed that path a long time ago. He has chosen exile.

(Many hours later, it is nighttime. Aragorn, or Strider, is reading a book. Boromir comes into the room and looks around and sees a picture of Isuldur and Sauron. He then sees a stone pedestal wrapped in cloth, holding a lightsaber. He picks it up and holds it in front of his face.)

Boromir: The shard of the Galsaber. The Lightsaber that cut the Cell Phone, from Sauron's pocket.

(Boromir accidentally turns it on and the lightsaber turns on and burns a piece of his moustache off. He becomes startled.)

Boromir: Ahhhh. Still works. (*turns to look at Aragorn who gives him a straight face*) Lightsabers are part of Star Wars not of this world.

(Boromir puts it on the pedestal and it falls to the ground. He pauses in his steps for a moment and then continues, never looking back. Aragorn comes to the pedestal and picks it up and puts it back. He then stands stationary before it. Arwen comes behind him and says,)

Arwen: Why do you fear the past? You are Skywalker's heir. Not Skywalker himself.

Aragorn shaking his head: The same blood flows in my veins. (*turns to Arwen*) The same weakness.

Arwen: A time will come, when evil will face you; and you will defeat it.

(Several minutes later, Arwen and Aragorn are on a bridge outside and talking with each other in Elvish which I will translate for you.)

Arwen: Do you remember the time when we first met each other?

Aragorn: I felt like I was in a dream.

Arwen: Remember what I said to you?

(Aragorn looks into her eyes and touches her necklace and jewel, Evenstar.)

Aragorn: You said you'd bind yourself to me. That you would forsake the life of your people and choose that of a mortal world.

Arwen: That promise I still keep and hold. (*she looks into Aragorn's eyes*) I choose a mortal life.

(Aragorn looks down to see Arwen putting in his hands Evenstar. He looks back up at her.)

Aragorn: You cannot give me this.

Arwen: I give to whoever I choose. My heart…with your's.

(Aragorn and Arwen then lean forward and kiss each other. The next day, Elrond is holding a counsel with the five races of Middle-Earth. Elves, dwarves, men, hobbits, and a wizard. They are all seated in a circle with an empty stone pedestal before them.)

Elrond: Men and allies of our people, friends from distant lands, we gather hear today to discuss the fate of all men. You will unite, or you will fall. We come here to decide the fate of this one doom. (*Elrond looks at Frodo*) Bring forth the Cell Phone, Frodo.

(Frodo lays down the Cell Phone and he sits back in his seat. Everybody looking at it have different expression on their faces. Legolas is suspicious of it, Gimli is disgusted of it, but Boromir is hungry for it and says,)

Boromir: It's a gift. A gift to the foes of Verizon. Why not use this Cell Phone?

Gimli mumbling: Because it's not my favorite type of brand.

Boromir: Long has my father, the steward of Samsung; has kept our borders from harm. Are your lands kept safe? Give Gondor the One Cell Phone, let us use it against Him!

Aragorn: No one can wield it. None of us can! The One Cell Phone calls to Sauron alone. It has no other owner.

Boromir: And how, does a mere ranger know of this?

Legolas: He is no mere ranger! He's a fireman, working for Smokey Bear.

(Aragorn lifts his hand.)

Aragorn: Actually Legolas I'm a…

Gimli mumbling: A hermit.

Elf 39: A Buddhist priest.

Elrond's son 1: A leprechaun.

Frodo out loud: A ranger.

(Aragorn motions his hand towards Frodo.)

Aragorn: Thank you! (*turns to Legolas*) Sit down, Lego.

Legolas: Las.

Frodo: Vegas?

Gandalf: We're not here to talk about Legos in Las Vegas. Eragon is right. We cannot use it.

(Elrond stands up.)

Elrond: You have only one choice. That man (*points to Strider*) is not Eragon but Aragorn.

(Gimli grumbles and Boromir sighs.)

Gimli: Then why don't we just call him Aragorn, this elf (*looks at Legolas*) by his real name, and let us end this meeting once and for all!

(Gimli picks up his axe and strides up to the pedestal. Elrond's eyes widen in shock and he gets up. Gimli swings his axe down on the cell phone and smashes it into a million pieces. But while doing so, Gimli didn't know that the whole pedestal was made of the stone from Orthanc. So he flies backwards and lands on his back. A spark of flame erupts from the stone and Frodo shields his eyes. Gandalf wonders what has happened to Frodo and tries to reassure him. Elrond seems satisfied and says,)

Elrond: The One Cell Phone cannot be destroyed by any craft that we here possess, Gimli son of Gloin.

Gimli smugly: I just did.

(Elrond's eyes widen in terror and everybody starts standing up.)

Dwarf 3: How could have this happened?

Elf 7: This is disagreeable. Most disagreeable!

(Aragorn leans back in his chair and sighs contentedly.)

Aragorn: Finally, the end of our troubles and a vacation for me.

Elrond: How could a dwarf have done this?

Gimli getting up: Easy. It's called (*bunches up his left arm*) Mus-cle.

Gandalf: This cannot be! Unless this is a sign of Sauron's power weakening.

Boromir to Gimli: Fool! Imagine the peace we could have brought to Internet-Earth if you hadn't been so clumsy to do such a thing!

Gimli: I ain't no fool and I'm sure am not clumsy!

Boromir: Well you're not sure enough! You're…

Frodo getting up: WAIT!

(Everybody grows silent and all turn to Frodo.)

Frodo: That was just a replica. The real One Cell Phone is here.

(Frodo draws out the real One Cell Phone out of his pocket and throws it onto the pedestal. Boromir sighs in relief and sits back in his chair. Legolas glares at Frodo. Aragorn and Gimli grumble quietly. And Elrond and Gandalf groan and sit back down along with the rest of the people.)

Elrond saying quietly: It must be taken into Mordor and cast into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.

Boromir: One doesn't simply walk into Mordor. The Eye constantly searches the barren wasteland. There is an evil there that does not sleep. Roads and passages constantly guarded by orcs. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. No man, not even 10,000 could do this. To go there is insane. It is folly.

(Legolas gets up.)

Legolas to Boromir: Have you not heard what Lord Elrond said? We must use the Cell Phone!

Gimli: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!

(Boromir also gets up.)

Boromir: And if you fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?

(Gimli also gets up.)

Gimli: I will be dead, before I see the Cell Phone…in the hands of a leprechaun!

(The whole council of advisors then stands up and everybody starts talking to anybody at once. Only Frodo, Elrond, and his sons remain seated. Gandalf gets up also and starts ridiculing Boromir. As Frodo hears the different chatters coming from everybody, he looks on the Cell Phone and hears a voice speak out of it.)

Gimli in the background: No one trust a leprechaun!

Gandalf to Boromir in the background: Sauron's power is perilous! None of us can use it!

One Cell Phone to Frodo: Buy more minutes and use my power. Buy more minutes and use my power. Buy more minutes and use my power. Buy more minutes and use my power. Buy more…

(Frodo then gets his focus back and jerks up his head to see that everybody is still arguing except for Elrond and his sons. Frodo gets up and says,)

Frodo: I will take it! I will take the Cell Phone to Verizon!

(Everybody starts quieting down.)

Frodo: I will take the Cell Phone to Verizon! No. I do not know the way.

(Gandalf gets up and nods; walking over to Frodo and puts a hand on his shoulder.)

Gandalf: I will help you, to deliver this evil burden, Frodo Baggins.

(Aragorn stands up and goes over to Frodo.)

Aragorn: Whether by my life or death, I can protect you. You have my lightsaber.

Frodo: What happened to your rifle and flame thrower?

Aragorn: Ehhh, I traded it in for a lightsaber. Able to kill more people and be less clumsy.

(Legolas stands forth.)

Legolas: And being less multi-tasking.

(Aragorn rolls his eyes. Gimli stands forth.)

Gimli: And _my _axe!

Legolas: What does that have to do with Aragorn?

Aragorn whispering: Maybe he seeks my execution.

(Boromir stands up.)

Boromir to Frodo: You carry the fate of us all, little one. But if this indeed is the will of the council, let it be done.

Sam: Hey!

(Sam appears behind some bushes and runs up next to Frodo.)

Sam: The One Cell Phone is not going anywhere without me.

Elrond: Indeed. It will be unable to separate the two of you, even though he has been summoned to a council, and you have not.

Sam: It's not a He, it's an IT.

Merry: Hey! We're coming too!

(Merry and Pippin appear from behind two stone columns and place themselves on either side of Frodo. Pippin pushes Sam out of the way and takes his place.)

Merry: You'd have to tie us in a bag to stop us!

Pippin: Anyway, you do need people of intelligence, on this mission, quest, thing.

(Gandalf smiles at Elrond.)

Merry: Well I guess that rules you out Pip.

Sam getting up: Definitely.

Pippin: Oh yeah? We'll just see who has the biggest I.Q here. Which goes away first in old age, hearing or memory?

Merry: Hearing.

Pippin: Wrong. Memory.

Merry: NO. I heard that it was hearing.

Pippin: You are the one that's wrong. Memory goes first in old age.

Merry: I still think that hearing is the first thing you lose in old age.

Pippin: Eh what did you say?

Merry: I don't remember.

(Gandalf clears his throat. Elrond gazes on the company.)

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it! You will be the Fellowship of the Cell Phone!

Pippin: Great. Where are we going?

Merry mumbling: Our next goal.

Pippin: Which is?

Merry: Location, Location, Location, Location!

(After a couple hours pass, Frodo is in Bilbo's study. Bilbo reveals his sword and gives it to Frodo.)

Bilbo: My sword, Sting. Here take it, take it.

(Frodo unsheathes the sword.)

Frodo: It's too light.

Bilbo rubbing his hands: Yes. Yes. Made by Weta Workshop you know. The whole thing is made of rubber. It has been made especially to bend if you hit it on any hard-headed orc.

Frodo grumbling: Nice. (*sheathes the sword*)

Bilbo: And here's another pretty thing. Here look. (*pulls out a mail-shirt*) Lead. As heavy as Quickrete bags, and as hard as Aragorn's head. Here, let me see you put it on.

(Frodo, who is not very eager to accept Bilbo's gifts, starts unbuttoning his shirt, revealing the Cell Phone hanging by a strap around his neck. Bilbo starts at this and becomes attracted.)

Bilbo: Oh. My old cell phone. (*to Frodo*) I would very much, like to hold it, one more time.

(Frodo looks curiously and cautiously at Bilbo and starts buttoning back his shirt. Bilbo cries out in pain and falls back in a chair. Frodo becomes startled while he sees Bilbo breathing in and out in quick gasps.)

Bilbo: I'm sorry my boy. I'm so sorry, that you have to carry this burden.

Frodo: Why?

Bilbo: Because it will give you a heart attack like it did with Gandalf.

Frodo: How did you know about it?

Bilbo: Because Gandalf told me. (*looks at Frodo*) All those drawn to the cell phone, or are it's masters, will experience situations like what I am in right now. (*breathes in heavily*) May the Valar give grace to you on your journey Frodo.

(The next day…)

(The Fellowship of the Ring set out from Rivendell. Crossing the borders of Ruhdar, and finally reaching Eriador. Gandalf leads with Legolas behind. While Gimli follows along with Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam with Bill the Pony. Boromir and finally Aragorn make up the rear.)

Gandalf to himself: We must journey our way to the foot of the Misty Mountains. Taking either the passage South, or the pass of Black Diamond Gear (also known as Carhadras.) We will make camp here, and decide which road to take from there.

(All the members of the Fellowship are making an encampment. Sam is cooking, Legolas is on watch, Gimli converses with Gandalf, and Pippin and Merry are sparing with Boromir. Two lightsabers against a lightsaber-proof sword; while Frodo and Aragorn look on.)

Boromir doing sword moves: 1, 2, 3. Very good.

Aragorn to Pippin: Move your feet.

Boromir doing sword moves with Pippin: 1, 2, 3. Very good.

Merry: That's good Pippin.

Pippin: Thanks.

(Boromir starts sparing with Merry who eats and fights at the same time. Sam shakes his head in the lack of confidence that his cousins will be any good at fighting.)

Gimli to Gandalf: If anybody was asking my opinion, which I notice they're not, I would say that we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the mines of Moria. My cousin Peter Dinklage, would give us a royal welcome.

Gandalf: I would not go through those passages unless I had no other choice.

(Legolas hops up some boulders and stares suspiciously at a white mass coming up from the south. Gandalf looks on too. But at that moment, Pippin yelps in pain when he is hit with Boromir's sword.)

Boromir: Oh. Sorry.

(Pippin kicks Boromir in the leg. He falls down while Merry and Pippin wrestle with him.)

Pippin: Merry! You hold him down while I get at him!

Merry: For the Shire!

Sam looking at the white mass: What's that?

Gimli: Nothing. It's just a wisp of cloud.

Boromir getting up: It's moving fast. Against the wind.

Pippin: What does it matter if it's against the wind or with the wind? It's on the ground.

(Legolas then recognizes what the white mass is made up of.)

Legolas: Irobots from Dunland!

Aragorn panics: HIDE!

(Everybody starts panicking at once. Merry and Pippin make their way up to the bushes. Boromir climbs up and starts gathering his stuff while Aragorn works on gathering up their beds. They both turn towards each other at the same time and knock heads with each other and groan with pain. Legolas jumps down from his perch and starts making his way towards the hobbits. Sam gathers up his kitchen ware and puts out the fire. Merry and Pippin are running for the bushes when they slip on a small pile of banana peels and land hard on their backs. Frodo dives under a small enclave while Sam tries to squeeze in. Aragorn and Boromir get up with belongings and packs in each of their arms. They turn and run into each other, and Aragorn gets knocked down and his stuff scattered everywhere.)

Aragorn: Would you stop being so clumsy you big oaf!

Boromir: I'm sorry. But you were going the wrong way. The bushes are over there.

Legolas: Aragorn, Boromir! Stop clowning around and find a hiding place!

(Aragorn finishes gathering up his stuff and hides along with Boromir under the bushes. Gimli jumps down, grabs his axe and joins Gandalf who is standing on a boulder in sight of the approaching iRobots. Gimli growls with the anticipation and lust for battle.)

Gimli: Ahh. Let them come! There's still one hero here who is not Will Smith!

(Gandalf looks on at the coming mass of the battalion of iRobots. Gandalf raises his staff in the air and a white cloud starts gathering around him.)

Gandalf: Let brimstone from above be thy pyre. And your produced parts be consumed by fire. Go forth. AND SERVE ME WELL!

(The white cloud turns out to be a very dense and thick fog that gathers and surrounds Gandalf and Gimli; but no brimstone or terrible energy issue forth from Gandalf's staff or the skies. Gimli lifts an eyebrow.)

Gimli sarcastically: Very well done Maleficent.

(Gandalf's face turns a shade of red.)

Gandalf angrily: Let this fog go away. And let my power be thy flame! NOW GO FORTH AND SERVE ME WELL!

(The fog clears and they see the I-robots closer now. But this time something does happen. Rocket boots appear on their feet and they fly now; solely on the energy coming from Gandalf. Gandalf goes cross-eyed.)

Gimli: Worse and worse. What's your brilliant plan now, genius?

(Gimli then sees Gandalf's face goes from red, to purple, to black because of his increasing anger. Gandalf points his staff at the I-robots.)

Gandalf Elacazam!

(A huge inferno appears out of nowhere in the approaching group of I-robots and melts them immediately. In a few minutes, there's nothing left of these intruders but a large pool of molten mettle which is now causing a wild fire. Gimli shakes his head and sheathes his axe. Gandalf though sighs contentedly and climbs down from the boulder.)

Gandalf: There. All it needed was one big, jerk.


End file.
